The hardest part in life is taking into account the words that people say; more particularly the words that I say. I can only conclude that I am not perfect and sometimes even the scope of who I am defeats myself for no other reason than because I try very hard to be the best I can. Sometimes even in defeat you can say to yourself that you gave it your best and therefore deserve less for the only thing you can see is the world that is within itself.
She sat next to me in my economics class and for some reason I kept hearing her whisper how pointless and absurd this class was. I smiled and told her that everything in life is pointless sometimes but that you’ve still got to make the best of it. She had a different personality; she was big, had a round face, and carried herself rather oddly. She had a disposition that she didn’t care anything about anyone. However, I got to know her and for me she brought laughter.
We would often sit in the cafeteria joking, swearing, and telling me stories that I just couldn’t believe. The fact that she made me laugh mattered the most to me. Sometimes I would forget all the problems I had in my life. We students were all broke. She asked if she could pay for my bus tokens if I helped her pass her courses. We made the agreement and God knows I tried to help her pass those courses.
I would often tell her that she’s getting away with a lot of things in her life especially with the fact that my help came cheap. In an instant, I noticed her disposition change. Sometimes she made me laugh and sometimes she made me think. She once told me that success didn’t really matter in anyone’s life, it was the quality of life that you lived that mattered most. She gave me the analogy that even on a beach no one can see beyond the sand and water; it encompasses a person’s soul.
She couldn’t be bothered to learn. She asked if I could help her pass her next test. I smiled knowing very well what that meant: cheating. I told her to sit next to me during the test so that she could get some clues if she was stuck. She smiled and we sealed the deal with a glass of wine.
We were at the student pub, I knew I had a few too many. However, I had my partner-in-crime to help me over. She grabbed me by the shoulder and took me to her dorm. After that I remembered nothing.
When I woke up in the morning I saw a smiling face lying on my chest looking up at me. I had no clue where I was. When you have a few too many sometimes everything starts looking the same no matter where you are. I asked her if she knew what happened. She simply told me that we made passionate love all night long.
I gasped in horror and asked if she was kidding. I knew that what she said didn’t happen because I realized that I was fully dressed. She stared at me without saying a single word. I knew I just wounded someone I deeply cared about as a friend. She turned away as I embraced her on the bed. She sobbed in my arms and told me that no one ever hurt her the way I just did. I told her I was sorry, it somehow did the job in getting a quick smile back from her.
The next day she didn’t show up to class and subsequently didn’t even show up all week. I called her and asked if she could come meet me in the cafeteria. We both sat down and I asked if she was willing to give everything up just because of this. She shook her head in disagreement telling me that she wanted our friendship to continue because she deeply cared about me. I grabbed her hand and told her I still cared about her just as much.
She broke down and cried asking if she was really that unattractive. I paused and told her that I would still love her under any circumstance. She picked up her books and walked out. I knew our relationship would never be the same.
She never sat next to me again and after two months I never saw her again. The laughter I once took for granted has never materialized since her. If she reads this I want her to know that I’m truly sorry and never meant to hurt her. Just come back to me my dear and make me laugh one more time. I've seem to run out of bus tokens.